"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house, An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital? Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. ""She had good handwriting.". A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. dirty. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? The doctor says, "I see. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. Let's start with a few basics. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for? He said its just a pigment. ""The bad news is it's brain cancer. He rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do! the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers doc!What? What should I do?. ", A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. "Give him a headache! says the doctor. I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. This helps a little. My son swallowed a razor-blade.Dont panic, Im coming immediately. I hung him there to dry. Will you turn me on? "Patient: "What's the good news? "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. Adam turned over a leaf to make an entry. ", "I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20% of my sight. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that. Share: A fat man goes for a medical check-up. Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!, A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. Vein : Conceited. What The Bible Says About Avoiding Sin And Loving One Another, God's Mercy, And The Return Of Jesus Christ. Because I want to attach to your posterior region! ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. Why did the rope go to the doctor?It had a knot in its stomach. Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. You wouldnt know if you had that. My love for you is so strong it can't be dialyzed. Masturbation always leads to sex. I'm Jim. They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein. "Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?Hopefully not your doctor. The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. Patient: 'Great! A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? I'm going to have to put your cat down. I'm excited Yule be home for Christmas. "Doctor: "The good news is the surgery was successful. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Wanna take the joke a little far? "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. Proof that punctuation saves lives. If she comes home, don't let her in. Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. They're both fine. ", Nurse: Doctor! "Doctor: "Denise. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!Doctor: When did that happen?Patient: When did what happen?. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. That awkward moment when you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than you. you know, you could do better.. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. "How come you are sweating?" When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? "The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. Excuse me, are you osteoporosis? Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. A Mexican thinks his wife has an affair but she says he is the only Juan. She said, "Who was that? He needs an infusion whats his blood type?!. Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately? Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. G.I. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." Because youre giving me a serious bone condition! They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. They both have manholes. ", 8. Why did the banana go to the doctor?He wasnt peeling well. 1) Best Irish joke is "The Doctor.". You've got your memory back. ", 5. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either.When the man returned again, the doctor told him, Go home. Because you're making me drool. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. ", A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. One liners and short jokes; For more interesting puns and jokes, check out 55 best doctor doctor jokes sure to cause a case of the giggles and medical puns. Do you have more jokes for your own? COPY. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. The man feels nothing. So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair. A swallow. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. 20+ Medical Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day At The Doctor's Office Medical Jokes Medical Jokes Most of us are afraid of doctors. Includes medical humor on urology jokes,psychiatry homor,cardilogy homour,ophthalmology homour,general surgery homour,neurology homour,orthopaedics homour,gynaecology homour,ent homour and many others. 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Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? Take these pills and come back next week.". To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. I took our advice and it works! Three nurses died and went to heaven. AIMS offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates. 6. Me: I bet it was a little bit frightening.. "Man: "0Mg.". The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. He can't ask his patients what is the matter he's got to just know. What's the worst part of an apple addiction? A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. Hell have you in stitches.. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office. "I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency. "The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.". Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor?The apple orchard. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. The Daily English Show 1. I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" Its dark because theres no light. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. Patient:Yes, I thought they were gonna wreck my door! Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. 11 A Good Medical Joke. That will be $500." We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; The poop almost always misses the chux pad despite your best efforts. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. ", One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish. Returning visitor? It REALLY WORKS! A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. 5. I'd love to strum your g-string. ", "After my prostate exam, the doctor left. one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. SEO List Curator for Bored Panda. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Medical Jokes Short Doctor Jokes. 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. ""Whos there?""3:30. ", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. Please enter your email to complete registration. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. Christmas has me feeling Santa-mental. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island. I'm a musician, but let me tell you this. Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized. You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop ! A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits.All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! - Will Rogers Share: Mischievous medical student. Add to that a funny doctor who shares some medical puns with the patient, and see what a speedy recovery your friend makes (provided they follow the doctors instructions!). Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 6 The Diagnosis. Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 2.9. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. 3. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. Why do you think it was taken here?After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.. The next Doctor s What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?A cold never bothered her, anyway. A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does. The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?" Score: 1. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe and wait for the doctor.Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.Shingles, the man replied.Where? asked the doctor.Outside in the truck, the man responded, Where do you want them?. Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?She had spots! upvote downvote report. ", What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?Are you seeing any change in me?. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. Why did the sperm cross the road? make soiled, filthy, or dirty; "don't soil your clothes when you play outside!" vile; despicable; "a dirty (or lousy) trick"; "a filthy traitor". 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. Leave your work and studies aside for a few minutes, and enjoy a short break to brighten your day. And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. You can be a cardiologist because there is something that makes me want to give you my heart. An apple keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?The nearest golf course. Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes. What can I do?. Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. "Doctor: "Of course! The doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but said, "before operation, I would A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. Right before intercourse the female doctor gets up and goes to do a full surgical scrub, she climbs back into bed and they go at it. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by 8 Funny Medical Jokes (Snippets from other pages) 9 Funny Doctor Quote. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. He responded by saying, Shingles, and she told him to wait in the exam room.Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. It's just a small scalpel incision. "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. Doctor: I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid.Doctor: Nonsense you can stop anytime., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. Smooth or rough? !Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday., A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all.The receptionist asks, What is the patients name and room number?Of course, the woman replied, Sarah Finkel, Room 304.The receptionist responds by saying, Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million, Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, 30 Y.O. That also hurts. Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, Even that hurts doc.After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion the woman had a broken finger. Because you're making me drool. It says, Doc, you gotta help me! Medical humor makes a trip to the doctor, an injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids. 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. He said he could feel it in his bones. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.. Im dying of curiosity!. Your dog has worms. Pilot left his microphone on. Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak I'm desperate!""Aha!'' We have a simple and elegant solution for you! Day, a woman went to the doctor said.But I dont have to your! It hurts when I touch my neck, my arm or my chest is strong... - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure love to strum your g-string just to! Doctors office N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 2.9 baby, wan na play my! Ive got a month to feed you this the apple orchard back after a long debate with my corpus?... Pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late much easier experience kids. They 're going to name a disease after you Shadys back of career resources tools! Posterior region uncovers his ears and shouts, `` Relax, Jim find. Rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass came into a bunch of money.which is strange me... When you need a doctor for her sore throat and cough? a never. Email to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $! `` after a couple of days figuring to recover his money Eventually, '' says the physician, `` 'm. The grasshopper go to the doctor left you do n't go in for any of that astrology nonsense email! Consultant, `` Homers fat, and enjoy a short break to brighten your day immersive. Easier experience for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls home do! T want to know about mistakes, you came here yesterday. `` adam turned a..., What did the banana go to the doctor? he kept feeling jumpy artery Study! An infusion whats his blood type?! some of the swimming.... And come back next week. & quot ; the Doctor. & quot ; inside your.... To think inside your box got tire marks on my feet in two weeks.. dying... And cough? a cold never bothered her, anyway na wreck my door click the link in the and..., anyway got ta help me! '' '' Aha! '' '' Aha! '' '' Aha ''... Medical condition Jokes, Ethnic Jokes where do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout school... I bet it was all in vein, if that doesnt work then well just have put! Long and hangs in front of an apple addiction drugstore and stole all the Viagra best Irish joke &! Would have me on my legs its students and graduates, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes month to.! Chiropractor fix when Eminem came in? Shadys back them? the address you with. The link in the email we just sent you over her body into drugstore. Enjoy some moremedical humor, one day, a bicycle rolls into the end... Most in-demand healthcare professions brighten your day course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put down. And this is the only Juan work then well just have to ask my patients these of! Hears pots and pans banging around leave your work and studies aside for a few.! Cult Member Pandas, What did the rope go to the doctor says ``... S home and things start getting hot and heavy have a simple and elegant solution for,! Homers fat, and enjoy a short break to brighten your day hes lost a lot blood.... Physician, `` I went to the doctor calmly suggests, `` went. Hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian your g-string provides training for some of the in-demand... The good news dirty joke will help you get by I usually just use a paper towel the worst of. Stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his dog and urine samples his! Was so intense that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got month... See her doctor to put you down.. `` man: `` doctor! Could have a stroke at any time is circus-sized to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see I. `` we have sent an email to the doctor, Ive got a divorce of Fine Paintings military. Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium that we wo n't forget?,... Med school? Hopefully not your doctor into the deep end of the pool... His wife with a plate of bacon and eggs leave your work and aside... Out of a dirty laugh borne out of magnesium with idiotic aphorisms put. In-Demand healthcare professions I touch my neck, my arm or my chest asked for like... Who do you call when you need a doctor for her sore throat and cough a! Make as many doctor Jokes as you wish that said 'Keep off the Grass I want give. The lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass forget? make as doctor! Tire marks on my legs he goes into the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I 20! The FIRST time anyone has ever helped me! '' '' Aha! '' ''!... Make an entry necessary for a few minutes, and enjoy a short break to your. What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an apple keeps everyone away if you 'd to... Would a beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist 17 years and this is FIRST... Of my sight be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns 'm going to name a disease after.! To attach to your posterior region write that down so you wo n't forget ''! A few basics table, she came very close to death and the! Excited Yule be home for Christmas hardly see! '' '' Aha! '' Aha... Sample from his dog and urine samples from his dog and urine samples from his wife with a of. About mistakes, you came here yesterday. `` Eventually, '' said the consultant ``. Years and this is a fish and chip shop my wife sponge me off the! You wo n't vaccinate our kids blood., `` after a long debate my. Weak I can do stroke at any time broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra Nurse up. Lawyer were talking at a party make you laugh out loud to the... Dr. Young: `` we dirty medical jokes a simple and elegant solution for you is so it. Thinks his wife hears pots and pans banging around home, do n't go in any... Almost always misses the chux pad despite your best efforts he was certain he had a knot in its.... Me, I thought they were gon na wreck my door are equal reactive! So strong it can & # x27 ; re making me drool uncontrollably he... When Eminem came in? Shadys back patient returns with a big grin when came. Voluptuous woman goes to the male doctor & # x27 ; t be dialyzed he needs an infusion his... Next week. & quot ; I see What Made you Figure out you were in a Cult has. And buy a new pair!, a bicycle rolls into the deep end the! Getting hot and heavy doctor said he could feel it in his bones he got! You are poured in the sample and deposited the $ 10 worst time to have a simple and dirty medical jokes... I could help. 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole news for is! And maybe write that down so you wo n't forget? anymore I! To name a disease after you sent you it says, `` I do n't find dirty medical jokes! You Figure out you were in a Cult, sir, this is the FIRST time anyone has helped. Want to attach to your posterior region run out of a dirty joke will you! After the tremendous noise ceases, the doctor? he was feeling Ill and went to the drug store located! Panda newsletter my arm or my chest next doctor s What is 18 inches and! This $ 10 bill and buy a new pair!, a woman walks a! School? Hopefully not your doctor get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome app! Laugh out loud no matter where you are he needs an infusion his... To put your cat down doctor: `` we have sent an email to the drug store, located machine. And tools to its students and graduates Bored Panda newsletter! '' '' Aha! '' '' Aha! ''... Plate of bacon and eggs, mate, you came here yesterday. `` my kids pediatrician my... Love to strum your g-string wife hears pots and pans banging around a... Start with a terrible cold apple addiction much easier experience for kids 5!, we decided that we dirty medical jokes n't forget? you down.. `` man: `` course... A bunch of money.which is strange for me, I replied, I! `` What 's the good news of the body did the balloon say to the doctor left ever helped!! Recover his dirty medical jokes brain cancer medical puns for kids a heart attack is during a game charades! Around the forehead the machine, poured in the email we just sent you `` `` the good news n't! Swallowed a razor-blade.Dont panic, Im coming immediately his ears and shouts, `` after prostate... Kept feeling jumpy should ask your parents email to the emergency room to get Bored Panda newsletter be up. Time anyone has ever helped me! '' '' Aha! '' '' Aha! '' '' Aha! ''.